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Ah it is already October! Now the year truly already feels over without it being over yet. September was a month full of changes yet again, from shifts to reorienting. September was a month full of change in line with Fall, yet this hottest week in SF of Indian Summer has transported me back for a sec. Change has been constant each month, but this one has been extra deep in. I’ll try my best to succinctly summarize in this month’s reflection recap!
— Stephanie
Lifestyle, Lows, Lessons
Work has been full of change, shamelessly these days I am just riding the waves. I won’t go too deep in this section as I feel like not much has changed since last month, still busy busy, though lately I question what am I going after or if I am okay with just riding the waves and surviving until I have the time and energy to go against things. Everytime I lose motivation, it feels like there’s something else at work that re-energizes me, though rarely is it about the org-changes so I wonder if this is life giving me a warning sign lol. It is crazy to think in just a few hours I will be flying out to my first conference, and that I will be speaking on stage. I haven’t quite processed that yet and I am quite anxious and nervous. I keep saying public speaking isn’t my forte, it really isn’t and I will try my best to not embarrass myself and make us look good. Next year I will stop saying yes to too big public speaking opportunities but this year I am glad I challenged myself. Beyond speaking, I am also nervous, scared, yet excited - to try a number of solo things during this conference. Outside of my day job, I am also quite surprised that a couple people I met during my times volunteering for my company, though we didn’t talk much during the volunteering itself - now months after, in two separate incidents, actually led to peers asking to get to know each other better and setting time to grab lunch or volunteer even now that we are done with our assigned group. It’s led to a sense of connection I didn’t expect (and also motivation to do better and potentially explore their domain more), here’s to being more open minded.
Then comes my personal life, it has been an ongoing roller coaster of shifts and changes. I had finally accomplished one of my big goals, it’s hard to describe how I feel because it should be a burst of happiness but it has been quite bittersweet and melancholy. There was so much of me put into the whole journey to accomplishing this goal that I may have burned out at some point, but also to the anticlimactic-ness is that it’s still an ongoing thing as I haven’t fully moved, and I think it’ll be an ongoing feeling for quite some time until I get used to the new environment and responsibilities. It’s bittersweet with the neighborhood I’ve cherished for so long and really got to familiarize myself in, as well as my best friend who’s my neighbor. It’s also bittersweet as this was my gift to my parents, yet they ended up proposing such a selfless medium. Mentally, a part of me feels free now that I finally achieved this goal, yet another part of me is now strategizing how I can make the future work for me despite this big purchase and change. All sorts of thoughts and emotions, with all the upcoming work travel it’s been hard to be present to think about and work on the home too, to distill my mind - for now, I’ll just take it a day at a time.
Friendships wise, it was such a busy month but I did get some good quality time with the friends that are dear to me. They say you never have pictures with your close or best friends and that is so true, especially true for this month lol. I think because my friends and I try to stay present in the moment and get deep into it, we often don’t stop and take a good picture. This month I had a lot of quality time with Ashley, a reunion with Pearl and Sadie, a nice long monthly catch up with Christina W, and of course a long awaited reunion with Jin in SB! The reunion was everything I imagined and more. There were so many moments that were favorites, but I think the best moments together is where we just yap about anything and everything - quite literally lol during meals, in the hotel, drives, before bed - we literally never run out of things to yap and connect on and I truly treasure that, amongst a number of other factors as well in this friendship where I feel supported, challenged, and cared for. SB was a walk down memory lane, yet it was a mix of new and old at the same time. So many places have changed, yet some core places continued to remain the same - perhaps that’s a reflection of us as well hhaha. Beyond all the good food and blenders reunion heh, I also loved walking down each place and reminiscing about our memories at each stop - basically a never ending storytime. I also appreciated the few days in LA I got to stay, enjoying daily life moments from working together, having meals, and going to yoga - to where Jin planned and coordinated with friends so I got to try new things from playing pickleball and catan. I felt extra appreciated when Jin and Joseph surprised celebrated my big win in being a homeowner - it especially hit because I only shared this news with her on short notice when I arrived in LA a couple days ago, and so I could really feel the thoughtfulness with putting together this surprise.
Relationships wise this month has been a month of experiences and learning. I won’t get too deep here in the entry, but I have yapped a lot with Jin and it has been quite a month. All in all, I am glad I put myself out there and tried to get to know someone new, even if it wasn’t something I’d initially go for. With each experience, I learn more about someone new and their story, but I also get to learn more about myself and how I am in these settings. I say this each time lol but I do think it’s a step closer each time in becoming secure in myself and finding meaningful connection.
I stopped writing too much in lows, but towards the end of this month, the lows really just came and hit hard lol. TLDR, I had a friendship conflict which made me feel sad and upset, I understand I have areas to be accountable for as well. But as I was already feeling down, I also had an upcoming therapy session (I scheduled it prior more for a regular check in since I haven’t been to therapy in a while and thought I’d do a general check in and see where it goes) but since I had this friendship conflict happen, I thought I’d use my therapy session to talk about how to best communicate to my friend. I feel bad for saying this, but I felt off during the session and just kind of speechless? - and then after a night of processing and reflection, I was about to verbalize how I felt and I felt more sad than prior my session - which makes me feel bad for saying out loud lol but I didn’t think I could feel worse after a therapy session and it hit somewhat hard. I’d like to be fair and that my therapist is valid too, but I left my session feeling unsupported, questioning myself, and lowkey gaslit? Again I’m over it now and I also understand that not all therapists are a good match for you but damn I did not expect that. Also TLDR I somewhat resolved things with the friend so I’m clear in that area now.
My pick of the month: Santa Barbara Reunion
Visiting SB was sentimental in so many ways, I’ve visited once post-grad but this time it just hit different. We had so many lores, at quite literally each place we stopped at we could write an essay of a lore. Perhaps now that it’s also been 4 years - which is crazy basically a whole college duration - that the reunion and memories felt extra special. Looking back we were stressing and having fun, and how much we’ve grown since then yet also our core beings and friendship had withheld the time that passed. I’ll always be thankful for my time in SB, as cliche as it sounds - it truly impacted me more than I knew then, but I’m especially thankful for how it brought together Jin and I’s life long friendship:’)
Cheers to October everyone, I’ll take it a day at a time and spend more time with friends and family I care about. I know this month will speed through before we know it and I hope everyone has a great month and spooky szn~ .
Chat soon in November,
Best,
— Stephanie
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